Onward

“My hope for you

is that you trust the teachings of what brings discomfort.

That when you feel as if you are at the cusp of breaking open,

out into the wild of the unknown,

you step forward with both feet planted

in your curiosity and wonder.”

And that is just what I did. I stepped forward into San Diego. A new beginning. And maybe that is what it’s all about. Continuing to step forward, over and over again. One foot in front of the other. Even if you were just moving backwards.

There seems to be a pattern in my life. Of running away from pain. I’ve found that it catches up to you (who would’ve thought?). The pain catches up and I run. I run to a new beginning, a new story, a new life. Of course this does not solve much. In fact, it has proven to me that you will always carry what is inside of you until you do some sort of inner work to change that. But that’s where the secret lies. I’ve done it over and over again. Ran away to Florida. Ran away to California. Each time I arrived, I thought I was creating a new beginning. But then a low would hit. Another dark, lonely, familiar and all too comforting low. And as I settled into that comfort again I also found that I was repeating the cycle.

Maybe that’s what it takes.

The cycle repeats no matter where I go. I had to ask myself if I had any control over it or if this would be my life. It replays and repeats and each time it gets harder to come out and each time I want to quit and each time I almost do. But I have come to recognize that each time I learn something new. Something that I didn’t know when the last low hit. And recently I have learned to understand that these cycles probably have repeated for a reason.

The cycles have taught me resilience.

The cycles have shown me my strength.

The cycles have proven that no matter how bad it gets, you will come back out again.

The cycles have helped me to understand the complexity of myself.

Most importantly, the cycles have started to break me open.

So here I am, ready.

Ready to dive into the stagnant potential that I had been waiting and preparing for. That has been stirring inside of my soul.

I am in control of my life.

I am the creator of my life.

I have so much inside of me waiting to be known. Eager to be known.

I have so much inside of me that is ready for more.

So now, I step forward.