“There was nowhere to go but everywhere, so just keep rolling under the stars.”
And that I am. I think back to the time when I arrived here in California. Back to when I felt the “why” that pulled me here. I knew I needed to go. I knew I needed something more. I know that I will always need something more. I know that I will never find it. But here I am. I came here because I wanted to. I came here because I dreamt of a better life for myself. A life full of value. Not necessarily of purpose. But a life I held accountable for myself. A life I lived authentically. A life I chose. I chose this life. I think that might be what’s most important.
And here we are at 3:30am sitting on the living room couch home alone. Happy. Truly happy. Maybe this is the moment I think of when I think of what I live for. Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I think the “why” is out there. Sometimes it’s too much. Sometimes I am too tired. Sometimes I wonder why I choose to live in a world full of such pain. Such agony. Such heart-wrenching beauty,
So yes, I am here. Yes, I went home by myself after the bar where I watched everybody leave as a couple. And yes, I am content. Truly content.
Will this feeling last? No. Will I remember this? Yes. But soon I will wake up in darkness. In true despair about our lives and the world around us. About the pain of the past and the inevitable pain of the future. Maybe it will be worse. Maybe I don’t know what to prepare myself for. All I know is that it will be hard. All I know is that I might not be able to handle it. Handle a relationship. Handle a family. Handle the changes, the heartbreak, the hellos, the goodbyes, the disappointment of life. How could I do that to myself again?
So I choose to live. At least today I do. Tomorrow I might not. Tomorrow I might be back at square one. There’s no way to know. And I hate my mind for it. I hate the complexity, the analyzation, the depths it falls to. But I also love it. I love the complexity. I love the beauty that comes after the dark. I love the contrast between the two. I love the moments of clarity and the moments we realize what minuscule lives we live. I love the experience I have gained. I love the mindset I build and the perspective I gain and lose and gain again. Constant growth. Constant change. Sometimes heartbreaking. Sometimes unexpected. Sometimes challenging even when you think you’re ready.
Is everybody okay? No, they’re not. But I will still ask the question. I will still search for truth. For authenticity. For someone who understands. It is rare, but it exists.
I will probably never find anyone who truly understands. And that is okay. For now, all that matters is this moment. I am sitting on the couch in the living room of my new amazing house. I am home alone and blasting Dave Matthews Band. I am hopeful for the beauty that tomorrow will bring. I am grateful for the beauty tonight brought. I am thankful for it all. The fighting, the screaming, the slamming, the hurting, the cutting, the saving, the saving, the saving, the foundation of a life that I call my own.
So be authentic. Be whoever you want to be. Do whatever you want to do, as long as you don’t intentionally harm others. This world is too cruel of a place. Our minds might adapt to pain over time but I don’t think we will ever escape it. Maybe that’s the point sometimes. Trying to escape it. Even achieving it. We know it won’t last but we also know that these moments create a life. These moments we can’t explain. These moments embody a feeling found in the stars, in music, in mountains. The only real truth.
So the search continues. And how beautiful it will be when I find it.