November 16th, 2016

I have been at a stagnation.

I have so many thoughts inside of me. So many plans and ideas waiting to be acted upon. And honestly, there is no valid reason as to why they have remained merely plans and ideas.

I have come to realize that stagnation is toxic. The longer you wait for the right moment, the longer you let that toxicity grow inside you…maybe even to a point where it becomes so familiar that you find a comfort inside it. I have known and seen too many people stuck here. But the most important thing I have learned is that there is NO right moment. There is no time the universe is going to tell you “It is okay to start. Now is the perfect time. Everything is good now.” You are the only force in your life and only you can create the change you want to make in your life at any given moment you have on this earth.

Stagnation is toxic. Staying in the same place for too long is toxic, whether that “place” is mental or physical. The time to manifest change is right now, and that is what I am doing.

I want to move to San Diego, and I’m going to move to San Diego in 9 months. I want to feel at peace with being across the country from my mom, so I will know that if I am happy, she is happy. I want to accept and embrace my dad’s new marriage, so I am going to accept and embrace my dad’s new marriage with open arms. I want to come to terms with past struggles, and I am going to do even more than merely “coming to terms” with them. I am going to use them as the strength and inspiration behind the great things I will do with my life. The great things that come with starting now.

Today, I want to re-string my guitar and play without fear of being too loud, so I am going to play as loud as I can. I want to exercise every day and run all of the toxicity out of my system, so I am going to sign up for 5K’s. I want to feel beautiful again, so I am going to feel beautiful to the point of knowing no doubt. I want to build a future and a career, but first I will start with the adventure and opportunity that awaits.

There will never be a right moment. Start now, or spend your life waiting.

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5:42am thoughts

“It is better to be prepared than it is to be hopeful.”

That’s what my mother said to me earlier in regards to my Uncle’s cancer. It made me think. So much of my time here has been about trying to be optimistic..hopeful…to keep the grand perspective and the goodness of the world in mind. But isn’t some level of reality necessary? Some degree of accepting the darkness of this world?

Maybe the trick is finding the balance. We cannot understand or appreciate good in this world without first knowing the bad. That’s a given. I think that those who have known and felt a decent amount of “bad” in this world tend to either be pessimists or optimists. I wonder what defines that line? Could it be the degree of bad that they’ve experienced, or the perspective that they’ve learned to integrate into their lives afterwards?

Sometimes I am overwhelmed at the amount of questions I have when it comes to suffering and our approach on life. I feel that it is yet another grand ideal to add to the mystery of the universe. We can never really know. We’ll never know why good things happen to bad people or why good things happen to bad people. We’ll never know why the guilt-free rapist lives a happy life surrounded by his loved ones while the caring family man who spends his life planning each move to ensure safety and comfort is suddenly plagued with an aggressive cancer. Why the poor mother who never found reciprocal love has to watch everybody around her leave, only to be left alone wondering why.

Maybe the universe has no reason. And maybe we have to be okay with that.

Changes to be Made

Lately I’ve been feeling the need to learn to not be mad at myself. Just keep doing what I’ve been doing by working on and bettering myself, and the rest will fall into place. That’s the way it’s always been and that’s the way it’s always worked for me, but why is it so hard this time? Is it because I need to make more drastic changes?

That is what I am in the process of figuring out.

Also, I need to stop worrying about the people who are supposed to be my best friends who are bringing me down.

Stop. Worrying. About. Them.

No progress is made there.

It is only made in what I do, with myself and with the forward motion of my life that will result in progress and positive change.

And yes, it is a back and forth struggle consisting of 5 steps forward and 6 steps back on a weekly basis. But that’s also life. I will get there one day soon.

 

The Darkness

This lingering sense of darkness. It hides away in the corners of your mind while you go on with your day-to-day activities, but will always find a way to peek through. When I’m driving. When I’m laughing. When I’ve just eaten lunch and I get that “feeling” of impending dread that I’ve never been able to explain. When I’m with a group of friends. When I’m in an airplane. When I’m walking from the stairway of my apartment complex to the front door. It lingers and then it peeks through. Maybe once a day, maybe a couple times, or maybe it decides to stay for a while. How are you supposed to know when it’ll come? And even more, how are you supposed to control it?

Sometimes I have the best days and the best moments and a good overall outlook. Other days, it’s just darkness. Not always the kind where I physically can’t get out of bed, but the darkness that tells me “I’m not good enough”. “Nobody will ever understand me”. And “I don’t need to be here”.

What scares me the most is the comfort I find in this darkness.

Will it every go away? Do I choose to get help, knowing it will just return a couple of days, weeks…months later?

Overnight Shift Thoughts

What really is this labyrinth? This inescapable suffering that we can’t explain or put into any surmountable understanding. This innate, lingering sense of darkness that hides away underneath, only rising towards the surface at times when we feel more lost than usual. The labyrinth forces you to look into the meaning of it all. What is my purpose here? Will I ever truly know? Or is this all just a random occurrence of unrelated events strung together to create a “life”. A life with a beginning and an end and the subconscious, plastic conjecture of “what comes next?”

In “Looking for Alaska”, Alaska says this:

“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”

And maybe you do use that labyrinth-less future as a means to escape the present, like a skylight on the ceiling showing us a glimpse of what “could be”. But I think that there is so much more to it. Instead of the escape being the goal, we should be using our method of escape to create a world without any “labyrinth of suffering”.

Sometimes I find myself in awe of the interconnected mystery of life. And other times I lay in bed at night wondering what the point of being here is if there is so much suffering. Asking, “how can the world be so beautiful yet so cruel at the same time?” and feeling as if the answer may only be obtainable through death. But maybe the irony is the point of it all. The grandeur of finding out the meaning of it all only after you die is too predictable to really be true. Maybe it is all in how you escape the maze of the labyrinth, while living. This means what you do to find a way out while you are a living, breathing, human being. Now. This means that you have the power to choose, over and over and over again, the ways in which you escape suffering when it comes. Maybe it is all one, together, combined not to serve a purpose but to account for the complexity of life in all of its raw being. 

Thoughts like these are hard for me to explain and I think the concept of the labyrinth itself is difficult to grasp. When it comes to the depth of the labyrinth, I am talking about those indescribable feelings of darkness that one cannot possibly put into words. For example, most nights when I look up at the stars I feel a deep, incurable longing. An unearthly longing…one that cannot be fulfilled during my time here. I know this because looking at the night sky makes me feel completely full and completely understood. Nothing else has made me feel this way. Not even God. And sometimes I think to myself that I will be there one day. With the stars, or with the fulfilled, inexplainable longing. Hopefully both.

And yes, like Alaska said, maybe the thought of getting there one day creates an escape from the present by replacing it with a nostalgia for the future. She is right. But maybe life is all about doing whatever we can to get as close to this fulfillment as we can while we are living. By doing as much as we possibly can to search within ourselves to find what these longings are and how we can satisfy them, even if they are only earthly hungers.

So what I am trying to say is that we all have this feeling of a labyrinth inside of us. Some have it more than others. This inescapable suffering that is only released through (what it seems to be) death. But it does not have to be. It does not have to be empty “why’s” cried out in between sobs. It does not have to be the tired, wrinkled face of someone who is waiting for the end solely because it is all that there is left. It does not have to be the searching and the finding and the blindly grabbing onto whatever you think might get you through. That may be life, but that is not the universe. The universe is more complex than merely going through the motions. The universe expects more from us. Death may be one way out, but it is not the only way. The mystery is all in finding the alternatives.

June 28, 2016

Nostalgia is funny. You’ll find yourself in a moment and you’ll be reminded of similar moments from the past. A smile might find its way to your face at the irony of time or even from recognition of the strange ways that the universe works. Either way I think that these moments are essential to letting go and moving forward. For so many of these past months I have been caught up in things that are only going to be leaving and changing. Not to say that change isn’t great, but it’s time to move forward into the next chapter of my life without feeling the need to “look back” like I have always done. I am ready to move forward with nostalgia lingering in the moments and times that I’ve cherished here, but sadness will not have its place this time. There is so much importance in actually living for the moment and acknowledging that these moments are what you are going to be looking back at, cherishing and missing. I know better than to take advantage of these times any longer. I have an endless amount of opportunities ahead of me and it would be against everything I believe in to not take advantage of doing exactly what I want to do next. And yes, I will look back. I will always look back; there’s no getting around that. But unlike the previous chapters of my life, I will look back to this one with a heart full of gratitude.

April 26, 2016

“Then I’ll use you as a warning sign, that if you talk enough sense then you’ll lose your mind.”

I want to move to California….Colorado….anywhere with mountains. I’m not meant to stay here. I’m 22 and I have so much to experience. There is something inside of me that is different and there’s something that needs to be let out. I’m not sure what it is but I know that I won’t find it by staying here.

There is so much beauty in an open mind. Closing yourself off to the world is the worst kind of punishment you can give yourself without even realizing it.

Sometimes I look at the stars and I want so badly to be with them. If there is an earthly way fulfilling that need, then I pray to God that I find it.

Until then, I will look.

February 14th, 2016

I was 5 years old when I learned the meaning of empathy. My father was crying on the living room couch after a long fight with my mother.

“Why are you crying?” I asked, expecting a response rooted in failed attempts of love and marriage.

He replied, “I am crying for you and your sister.”

Now I understand.

 

Post-Bubble Bath Thoughts

Isn’t it weird how we’re just here? Just humans on Earth, trying to figure out how to be successful but not even realizing the miracle it is that we are here. Right now. Maybe there’s a reason and maybe there’s not, but how crazy is it that we were just created and we are here on this planet with other people living out all of these socially-constructed values and ideas.

Lately I’ve been learning how to tune it out for a second. Clear out my head and just breathe and realize the moment I am in. I get so caught up in these little things I revolve my whole life around: homework, exams, friendships, family. What is the point? I am here and this is my time. It will be gone before I know it and my sole purpose is to live it out how I want to. To take my time as mine and do what I please with it.

I want to live in the mountains and to see the northern lights. I want to explore until I’ve seen everything. I want friends to love and things to look forward to. I want candles and fireplaces and the smell of Fall. I want a home. I want a place to think of as home that doesn’t make me sad. I want happiness and I want to do things that contribute to only that: happiness. I want poetry and acoustic guitars and lots and lots of red wine. I want moments of clarity and more bubble baths. I want to find the thing I’ve been looking for: that “something more” that I’ve always felt. I don’t know what it is but I know that its out there. And maybe its religion but maybe its a religion that only I can create in my head. Maybe its fulfilling this life that’s been given to me and maybe its living out all of these little things that fill me.

Do it for yourself, and yourself only. Find the things that make you whole and chase them; don’t let them go. If there is one thing I want in this world it is to sit in my old bed in my old home under my cracked window with the smell of crisp Fall night air coming through. And I know I will never have that again, but I will find that feeling again, and that is good enough.

Find these things and fill your soul with them.

“Do you wanna leave soon? No, I want enough time to be in love with everything…”