The Darkness

This lingering sense of darkness. It hides away in the corners of your mind while you go on with your day-to-day activities, but will always find a way to peek through. When I’m driving. When I’m laughing. When I’ve just eaten lunch and I get that “feeling” of impending dread that I’ve never been able to explain. When I’m with a group of friends. When I’m in an airplane. When I’m walking from the stairway of my apartment complex to the front door. It lingers and then it peeks through. Maybe once a day, maybe a couple times, or maybe it decides to stay for a while. How are you supposed to know when it’ll come? And even more, how are you supposed to control it?

Sometimes I have the best days and the best moments and a good overall outlook. Other days, it’s just darkness. Not the kind where I physically can’t get out of bed, but the darkness that tells me “I’m not good enough”. “Nobody will ever understand me”. And “I don’t need to be here”.

What scares me the most is the comfort I find in this darkness.

Will it every go away? Do I choose to get help, knowing it will just return a couple of days, weeks…months later?

Sometimes nobody gets it. And sometimes that’s okay.

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Overnight Shift Thoughts

What really is this labyrinth? This inescapable suffering that we can’t explain or put into any surmountable understanding. This innate, lingering sense of darkness that hides away underneath, only rising towards the surface at times when we feel more lost than usual. The labyrinth forces you to look into the meaning of it all. What is my purpose here? Will I ever truly know? Or is this all just a random occurrence of unrelated events strung together to create a “life”. A life with a beginning and an end and the subconscious, plastic conjecture of “what comes next?”

In “Looking for Alaska”, Alaska says this:

“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”

And maybe you do use that labyrinth-less future as a means to escape the present, like a skylight on the ceiling showing us a glimpse of what “could be”. But I think that there is so much more to it. Instead of the escape being the goal, we should be using our method of escape to create a world without any “labyrinth of suffering”.

Sometimes I find myself in awe of the interconnected mystery of life. And other times I lay in bed at night wondering what the point of being here is if there is so much suffering. Asking, “how can the world be so beautiful yet so cruel at the same time?” and feeling as if the answer may only be obtainable through death. But maybe the irony is the point of it all. The grandeur of finding out the meaning of it all only after you die is too predictable to really be true. Maybe it is all in how you escape the maze of the labyrinth, while living. This means what you do to find a way out while you are a living, breathing, human being. Now. This means that you have the power to choose, over and over and over again, the ways in which you escape suffering when it comes. Maybe it is all one, together, combined not to serve a purpose but to account for the complexity of life in all of its raw being. 

Thoughts like these are hard for me to explain and I think the concept of the labyrinth itself is difficult to grasp. When it comes to the depth of the labyrinth, I am talking about those indescribable feelings of darkness that one cannot possibly put into words. For example, most nights when I look up at the stars I feel a deep, incurable longing. An unearthly longing…one that cannot be fulfilled during my time here. I know this because looking at the night sky makes me feel completely full and completely understood. Nothing else has made me feel this way. Not even God. And sometimes I think to myself that I will be there one day. With the stars, or with the fulfilled, inexplainable longing. Hopefully both.

And yes, like Alaska said, maybe the thought of getting there one day creates an escape from the present by replacing it with a nostalgia for the future. She is right. But maybe life is all about doing whatever we can to get as close to this fulfillment as we can while we are living. By doing as much as we possibly can to search within ourselves to find what these longings are and how we can satisfy them, even if they are only earthly hungers.

So what I am trying to say is that we all have this feeling of a labyrinth inside of us. Some have it more than others. This inescapable suffering that is only released through (what it seems to be) death. But it does not have to be. It does not have to be empty “why’s” cried out in between sobs. It does not have to be the tired, wrinkled face of someone who is waiting for the end solely because it is all that there is left. It does not have to be the searching and the finding and the blindly grabbing onto whatever you think might get you through. That may be life, but that is not the universe. The universe is more complex than merely going through the motions. The universe expects more from us. Death may be one way out, but it is not the only way. The mystery is all in finding the alternatives.

June 28, 2016

Nostalgia is funny. You’ll find yourself in a moment and you’ll be reminded of similar moments from the past. A smile might find its way to your face at the irony of time or even from recognition of the strange ways that the universe works. Either way I think that these moments are essential to letting go and moving forward. For so many of these past months I have been caught up in things that are only going to be leaving and changing. Not to say that change isn’t great, but it’s time to move forward into the next chapter of my life without feeling the need to “look back” like I have always done. I am ready to move forward with nostalgia lingering in the moments and times that I’ve cherished here, but sadness will not have its place this time. There is so much importance in actually living for the moment and acknowledging that these moments are what you are going to be looking back at, cherishing and missing. I know better than to take advantage of these times any longer. I have an endless amount of opportunities ahead of me and it would be against everything I believe in to not take advantage of doing exactly what I want to do next. And yes, I will look back. I will always look back; there’s no getting around that. But unlike the previous chapters of my life, I will look back to this one with a heart full of gratitude.

April 26, 2016

“Then I’ll use you as a warning sign, that if you talk enough sense then you’ll lose your mind.”

I want to move to California….Colorado….anywhere with mountains. I’m not meant to stay here. I’m 22 and I have so much to experience. There is something inside of me that is different and there’s something that needs to be let out. I’m not sure what it is but I know that I won’t find it by staying here.

There is so much beauty in an open mind. Closing yourself off to the world is the worst kind of punishment you can give yourself without even realizing it.

Sometimes I look at the stars and I want so badly to be with them. If there is an earthly way fulfilling that need, then I pray to God that I find it.

Until then, I will look.

February 14th, 2016

I was 5 years old when I learned the meaning of empathy. My father was crying on the living room couch after a long fight with my mother.

“Why are you crying?” I asked, expecting a response rooted in failed attempts of love and marriage.

He replied, “I am crying for you and your sister.”

Now I understand.

 

Post-Bubble Bath Thoughts

Isn’t it weird how we’re just here? Just humans on Earth, trying to figure out how to be successful but not even realizing the miracle it is that we are here. Right now. Maybe there’s a reason and maybe there’s not, but how crazy is it that we were just created and we are here on this planet with other people living out all of these socially-constructed values and ideas.

Lately I’ve been learning how to tune it out for a second. Clear out my head and just breathe and realize the moment I am in. I get so caught up in these little things I revolve my whole life around: homework, exams, friendships, family. What is the point? I am here and this is my time. It will be gone before I know it and my sole purpose is to live it out how I want to. To take my time as mine and do what I please with it.

I want to live in the mountains and to see the northern lights. I want to explore until I’ve seen everything. I want friends to love and things to look forward to. I want candles and fireplaces and the smell of Fall. I want a home. I want a place to think of as home that doesn’t make me sad. I want happiness and I want to do things that contribute to only that: happiness. I want poetry and acoustic guitars and lots and lots of red wine. I want moments of clarity and more bubble baths. I want to find the thing I’ve been looking for: that “something more” that I’ve always felt. I don’t know what it is but I know that its out there. And maybe its religion but maybe its a religion that only I can create in my head. Maybe its fulfilling this life that’s been given to me and maybe its living out all of these little things that fill me.

Do it for yourself, and yourself only. Find the things that make you whole and chase them; don’t let them go. If there is one thing I want in this world it is to sit in my old bed in my old home under my cracked window with the smell of crisp Fall night air coming through. And I know I will never have that again, but I will find that feeling again, and that is good enough.

Find these things and fill your soul with them.

“Do you wanna leave soon? No, I want enough time to be in love with everything…”

 

Anis Mojgani

“There’s something I love about creating an environment that pushes my brain to think differently, to make it so that it has to think creatively about what surrounds it. This aspect of creation, deconstruction, reconstruction, deconstruction, reconstruction, repeat, helps enable and perpetuate this for me. And what I like about not just putting a song on repeat but having to click it back to the start every time it finishes is that it kind of contributes to the above. It doesn’t lull me down the river, it makes me get back out at the same place downstream, head back to where I jumped in and repeat, mirroring the repetition of the re-/de-/reconstruction aspect of my process.

And oddly enough I think that it also helps with bringing myself closer to the truth of the things inside of me I’m trying to understand or get out of my dark and into my light. That it’s a process of trimming off as much fat as possible, or rather getting it boiled down to the most of its essence. Which enables the work (I hope) to really connect with my self, while also being able to walk around in a shape very far removed from my life, thus becoming more connective with other (I hope more). The music I listen to assists with this. As if that which is in me is naked, is more than naked, is naked of skin and body, and is only vaguely of color. And tries on different songs to see what is fitting the shape of its shadow, and when it finds one that fits right, or well enough, it tries it on, walks around in it, learns what it means to have bones and eyelids. And the shape and story of the song works its way into whatever it is I’m writing and becomes something that I would not have necessarily been able to explore or discover just on my own.”

See You Soon (Live In Sydney) – Coldplay

You know those moments? The ones where you’re laying in the bath tub late at night with a song playing in the background and out of nowhere comes a memory. When times were “good” or where you considered yourself happy. Those moments growing up with your friends when you were figuring out what and who you were. Not even caring where you were going because you were so caught up in the discovery of yourself and the relationships with everyone that you thought was your whole world at the time. Those moments when you’re walking around your hometown on a snowy afternoon and find yourself resting your head on the shoulder of your best friend. That song starts making more sense. You look back on these moments and remember them as “back then” or “the good days” when in reality those days are probably happening right in front of you and you don’t realize it. And in the next 5 or 10 years you will find yourself taking a hot bath with a song playing in the background and you’ll think of these times. The ones you are living right now.

I know it may seem cliché or whatever, but it takes some willpower to realize these moments as they are happening. They’re escaping us and we’re too busy looking back to understand the moments that are right in front of us, happening every day and still will be happening. I am grateful for them and I am grateful for being able to realize this.

Here’s to those moments.

Your Love For Someone Never Dies, And 23 Other Insights About Being On Planet Earth

Thought Catalog

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1. The magic of life is the tragedy of life. We find meaning and value in that which is denied to us: complete communication with others, love that wholly overcomes loneliness, happiness, complete self-knowledge. We live to struggle, to attempt to achieve the unachievable.

2. The Earth is falling through the night.

3. Your love for someone never dies. It will live forever. You will always carry them with you. But the feeling of the love, the memory of a particular love will vanish and over the years becoming alarmingly inaccessible until one day — all of a sudden — it’s completely lost in the sea of the unconscious.

4. Being able to critique yourself is the rosetta stone of intelligence. Genius begins with being able to perceive your own weaknesses, openness to your own vulnerability.

5. Dreams are more powerful than reality.

6. Every truth can be reversed. Paradox is the most honest mood of the human…

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