Lately I’ve been thinking about Chris McCandless and his death inside of bus 142. Along his journey he mentioned that joy does not come primarily from human relationship. Later, while in the bus, he came to a realization that happiness is only real when shared. He then tried to trek back into civilization but was unsuccessful due to the melting of the glaciers, causing the river to become a raging death trap. He then turned back to the bus where he was plagued with starvation and ended up dying alone.
This made me think. One can spend their entire life driven and consoled by the fact that we do not need human relationship or even interaction for that matter, only to come to realize that we actually do need it. It is how we feel real happiness. It is how we connect and understand. It is how we find meaning.
Today I found out that my uncle died. He spent his life tactfully planning every move only to be diagnosed with an aggressive skin cancer. He was kind, compassionate, caring, and had an extremely loving heart. From the memories we shared, I know that he had a fond love for the stars. We would spot the planets and stand outside to watch the satellite’s pass over. Of course he planned this as well. But I loved it.
It’s 1:15am and today is Thanksgiving. I am thankful for what I have learned. I am thankful that my uncle did not have to suffer a slow and painful ending. I am thankful that he finally has a front row seat to the night sky.
I am especially thankful for my family, both blood and non-blood. Tonight on my way home from work I drove past a group of friends walking down the road with their arms around each other’s shoulders. To me, that was an image of Thanksgiving. That was family. We need human relationships. As Ram Dass said, we’re all just walking each other home.
On March 7th, 2016, I wrote about how the Universe will always have its’ way. Maybe we don’t know what happens after death, and maybe that’s the magic of life. Maybe Uncle David is watching down on us all, pitying the fact that we are crying about his death. Maybe he is catching up with his parents. Maybe he is nowhere. Or maybe he is where I think he is; sitting amongst the stars.
Write more. Play your guitar as loud as you can until it feels good. Sing in the car. Wear your sunglasses. Wear what you want. Do yoga. Exercise. Drink water. Eat healthy. Plan your trip to San Diego. Let it consume you until the “looking forward” self is your authentic self. Fill that part of your soul that longs. Look at the stars. Go outside. Run. Play even more guitar. Get those new strings you’ve been wanting. Read more books. Classics. Highlight them. Post new things. Post what you want to post. Get the tattoo. Grow a plant outside. Look at the sunlight. Keep in the sunlight. Especially when you become overwhelmed with doubt and uncertainty. Especially when depression hits, if it does. Blast the music. Open your windows. Be in the moment. Be what you’ve been wanting to be.
What is the point of being unhappy? The sooner you realize you are, the sooner we need to make the changes necessary to get out of the situation causing unhappiness. The key words here are make changes.
You are in control of your future. It is never too late to start creating the reality that YOU want.
I have been at a stagnation.
I have so many thoughts inside of me. So many plans and ideas waiting to be acted upon. And honestly, there is no valid reason as to why they have remained merely plans and ideas.
I have come to realize that stagnation is toxic. The longer you wait for the right moment, the longer you let that toxicity grow inside you…maybe even to a point where it becomes so familiar that you find a comfort inside it. I have known and seen too many people stuck here. But the most important thing I have learned is that there is NO right moment. There is no time the universe is going to tell you “It is okay to start. Now is the perfect time. Everything is good now.” You are the only force in your life and only you can create the change you want to make in your life at any given moment you have on this earth.
Stagnation is toxic. Staying in the same place for too long is toxic, whether that “place” is mental or physical. The time to manifest change is right now, and that is what I am doing.
I want to move to San Diego, and I’m going to move to San Diego in 9 months. I want to feel at peace with being across the country from my mom, so I will know that if I am happy, she is happy. I want to accept and embrace my dad’s new marriage, so I am going to accept and embrace my dad’s new marriage with open arms. I want to come to terms with past struggles, and I am going to do even more than merely “coming to terms” with them. I am going to use them as the strength and inspiration behind the great things I will do with my life. The great things that come with starting now.
Today, I want to re-string my guitar and play without fear of being too loud, so I am going to play as loud as I can. I want to exercise every day and run all of the toxicity out of my system, so I am going to sign up for 5K’s. I want to feel beautiful again, so I am going to feel beautiful to the point of knowing no doubt. I want to build a future and a career, but first I will start with the adventure and opportunity that awaits.
There will never be a right moment. Start now, or spend your life waiting.
You create your own present and future. The world and the people in it owe nothing to us.