This lingering sense of darkness. It hides away in the corners of your mind while you go on with your day-to-day activities, but will always find a way to peek through. When I’m driving. When I’m laughing. When I’ve just eaten lunch and I get that “feeling” of impending dread that I’ve never been able to explain. When I’m with a group of friends. When I’m in an airplane. When I’m walking from the stairway of my apartment complex to the front door. It lingers and then it peeks through. Maybe once a day, maybe a couple times, or maybe it decides to stay for a while. How are you supposed to know when it’ll come? And even more, how are you supposed to control it?
Sometimes I have the best days and the best moments and a good overall outlook. Other days, it’s just darkness. Not always the kind where I physically can’t get out of bed, but the darkness that tells me “I’m not good enough”. “Nobody will ever understand me”. And “I don’t need to be here”.
What scares me the most is the comfort I find in this darkness.
Will it every go away? Do I choose to get help, knowing it will just return a couple of days, weeks…months later?