Lately I’ve been feeling the need to learn to not be mad at myself. Just keep doing what I’ve been doing by working on and bettering myself, and the rest will fall into place. That’s the way it’s always been and that’s the way it’s always worked for me, but why is it so hard this time? Is it because I need to make more drastic changes?
That is what I am in the process of figuring out.
Also, I need to stop worrying about the people who are supposed to be my best friends who are bringing me down.
Stop. Worrying. About. Them.
No progress is made there.
It is only made in what I do, with myself and with the forward motion of my life that will result in progress and positive change.
And yes, it is a back and forth struggle consisting of 5 steps forward and 6 steps back on a weekly basis. But that’s also life. I will get there one day soon.
This lingering sense of darkness. It hides away in the corners of your mind while you go on with your day-to-day activities, but will always find a way to peek through. When I’m driving. When I’m laughing. When I’ve just eaten lunch and I get that “feeling” of impending dread that I’ve never been able to explain. When I’m with a group of friends. When I’m in an airplane. When I’m walking from the stairway of my apartment complex to the front door. It lingers and then it peeks through. Maybe once a day, maybe a couple times, or maybe it decides to stay for a while. How are you supposed to know when it’ll come? And even more, how are you supposed to control it?
Sometimes I have the best days and the best moments and a good overall outlook. Other days, it’s just darkness. Not the kind where I physically can’t get out of bed, but the darkness that tells me “I’m not good enough”. “Nobody will ever understand me”. And “I don’t need to be here”.
What scares me the most is the comfort I find in this darkness.
Will it every go away? Do I choose to get help, knowing it will just return a couple of days, weeks…months later?
Sometimes nobody gets it. And sometimes that’s okay.